Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
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*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
yes yes a thousand times yes!
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”