How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
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In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??