Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
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my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces