[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
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I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
inside you are two wolves
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]