I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
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I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind