I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
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Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
The Punning Dead.
Think I pulled my liver
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
The “baby” on the left….
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*