I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
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“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.