FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
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ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀