Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
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I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.