Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
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When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
*lint rolls you awake*
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why