Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
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An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.