All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
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there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*