Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
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i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Simple enough.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Siri: Retweet me.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.