Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
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what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
the council will decide your fate
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Body by cheese-puffs.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale