You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
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*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.