I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
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*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.