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Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
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Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.