[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
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Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
How did we not see this back then?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear