[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
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Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack