Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
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You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.