Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
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Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.