I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
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A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking