Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”