[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
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Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen