*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
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A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks