i wish we could shoplift online
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Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
had to share :’)
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.