Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
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*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.