I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
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(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try