*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
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While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Who chose this font
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.