oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
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PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Twitter fine art
Oh my god
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!