Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
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Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on