Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
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I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
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The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.