Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
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[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
ACED my prostate exam!
Banderslack Clamberdorch
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
felt that
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..