Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
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“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.