If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
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I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too