Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
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If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[montage of me giving-up]
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Stop.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.