If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
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What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I’m calling the cops.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.