She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
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[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*