The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
You Might Also Like
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.