*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
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Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning