The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
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6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
A ghost story
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
i want to work in this restaurant
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
@ candidates for local office
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Smooooooth
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.