Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
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Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
you have three unread messages
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
this is literally a CIA plant
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.