Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
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I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
My patience has stretch marks.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*