I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
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Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Cause of death: Zumba
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.