The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
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why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy