Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.