[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
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My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please