Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
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I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.