why does this building look like a guilty dog
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
is nasa ok
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder