Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
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I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.